


something like praying

by behradtomaz



Category: Constantine (TV)
Genre: Other, he just wants his friend to go to heaven, hes given up on himself, i need to fucking let them be happy jfc, it’s just sadness, more of John feeling guilty about what happened to Gary
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-09
Updated: 2019-01-09
Packaged: 2019-10-07 01:12:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17356157
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/behradtomaz/pseuds/behradtomaz
Summary: john’s hellbound. he knows it.he just hopes gary isn’t, too.





	something like praying

john constantine doesn’t pray.  
he doesn’t believe in heaven, in angels, in god-he knows, and that makes a world of difference. because it also means he knows they won’t help him. even with manny there, cryptic and flighty, he knows that there’s no great plan for him, that nobody’s really watching out for him, that he can damn himself and damn the world without heaven lifting so much as a finger to assist.  
but now, holding gary lester’s hand, watching him thrash and scream, and seeing manny at the foot of the bed, silent and mournful, john understands the appeal of faith.  
believing in something bigger than yourself, something good, something comforting to get you through hard times with a promise of love.  
he wishes he could believe.  
not for himself. never for himself.  
for gary.  
john wishes he could believe that there’s mercy in the world, that his friend will be forgiven and safe and at peace.  
he doesn’t want another person sent to hell because of him, because he took the sinner waiting to happen that gary was when they first met and handed him magic and pride.  
there are tears in john’s eyes, and gary’s nails are digging into his skin, and he wants a drink, wants a cigarette, wants to get out of there, to leave, to drown himself in one of his addictions to escape the guilt, to get away from manny’s eyes, reminding him that this had been his decision, his call, that he could have tried to find another way, that he could have sacrificed himself instead of manipulating gary, poor, hopeless gary.  
he doesn’t know why he does it.  
doesn’t know why he whispers the plea, the quiet request, the desperate one.  
maybe it’s because he remembers zed’s words, or gary’s feelings, or maybe it’s a mockery of faith, a jab at the angel a few feet away from him.  
maybe it’s because he’s willing to risk it, willing to risk the sting of being ignored, of being proven right, to try to get his friend one last chance.  


_let him go to heaven. please, just let him fucking rest. i did this. not him. please._


End file.
